destyknight (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
taylorgibbs) wrote2009-02-10 07:50 pm
taylorgibbs) wrote2009-02-10 07:50 pm
FIC Boss, I don't think we're in Kansas Anymore (TaylorGibbs & Max) (5/?)FRAO
Headers in earlier chapters.
*NOTE* This story is being co-written in roleplay back and forth format, not written for regular fan fic format, so if it reads a little odd in places, the authors really don't mind and hope any readers they may have don't much either. Thanks!
*NOTE2* Just to give something to visualize, the character of Thomas Hilton resembles actor Jeremy Piven.
*NOTE* This story is being co-written in roleplay back and forth format, not written for regular fan fic format, so if it reads a little odd in places, the authors really don't mind and hope any readers they may have don't much either. Thanks!
*NOTE2* Just to give something to visualize, the character of Thomas Hilton resembles actor Jeremy Piven.
Gibbs did a fireman's carry to get Tony up the stairs and onto the bed. He'd done this motion before. Shoes and jeans off, roll, pull down covers, roll back. He slid DiNozzo in on the opposite side from where he usually slept, not analyzing why he dropped Tony in here. "Sleep...you're safe. I'll be back soon." He mussed Tony's hair and then pounded down the stairs, needing some coffee. Pee Wee seemed to want to engage him in conversation so he'd take what intel he could get.
"Boss?" Tony whimpered, reaching out in his sleep for the other man. When he didn't find him, he made a low whining noise deep in his throat, turned onto his side while slipping out of his underwear and shirt, and when comfortably nude and in a fetal position under covers smelling like Gibbs, popped his thumb into his mouth. Like the head banging, Tony hadn't sucked his thumb since childhood, but unlike the head banging he'd kept that particular stress-alleviating habit up longer through early adolescence, right up until the time he'd needed braces to fix the overbite it had caused.
The table was set with two mugs of steaming coffee, Thomas sitting at one end of it. His men were in the living room only a shout away.
"Jethro, I don't expect you to forget anything, really. What I do expect is that you're a strong enough man to not let it weigh you down and keep you from being happy with DiNozzo. I expect you to process this big adjustment not just for your sake but for his, and not give me any trouble. I'm not only willing to allow him to live elsewhere, if he so chooses, but to find you both work on the Havensport Naval Base doing pretty much what you were doing before. I know the Admiral quite well. My sister is his ex-wife, and the Admiral is very aware of clones. Interested?"
Gibbs took the mug of coffee and sniffed it once before downing it in a few gulps. When he was done, he poured another and downed it then rinsed his cup in the sink. Only then did he sit opposite the man, posture perfectly erect, bearing one thousand percent military. "You have a lot of expectations," Gibbs remarked. "You've done this a lot, huh? How many people have been in this position? How many have you put here?" Again he spoke without heat, asking curious questions.
When Pee Wee mentioned that there was work on the base, Gibbs nodded. He couldn't speak for Tony but he needed to work, to put the dirtbags away, to feel like he was making a difference.
"Well you two are my first Weatherly and Harmon. I've been a bit of a Star Trek geek," he laughed easily at himself. "For many years I concentrated on having the crew made to my specifications and giving them their own Enterprise, though the monstrosity doesn't fly." He laughed again as he sipped his coffee. "Once I finished taking care of my Trek obsession I started watching other shows on television again, and I caught yours late in the series, had to download all the episodes I missed, and when I caught up I sat back and thought to myself .... damn, those men are perfect together, more than even the legend of Kirk and Spock!"
Upstairs, Tony began to dream, his long legs twitching in the bed as he ran from a dog with the face of Gibbs, Donald Sutherland screaming at him, and ball-less versions of himself sobbing at their lost manhood.
"This is just a game to you, isn't it? This is my life you turned upside down. His!" He jerked his thumb to the ceiling. "It's not a game, not some goddamned manipulation for your entertainment."
Gibbs shook his head, standing. "I'm not like Star Trek. I'm not like anyone you've ever dealt with before." He leaned on the table, going nose to nose with the man. "Remember that." With that said, he turned, going upstairs and closing his door. Tony was curled up in his king-sized bed, the dark sheet wrapped around him. He'd clearly stripped off his T-shirt,. he was clearly in distress.
"Hey, DiNozzo," Gibbs said quietly, hoping to wake Tony slowly and gently.
It brought him out of the nightmare and put him right into another. Abby had him in her lab, collared and leashed, making him do tricks for Gibbs. The more he tried to impress the man, the more he failed. Gibbs paid him little attention, had McGee on his lap and was playing with the younger man's hair, and Tony just couldn't stand being ignored.
He moaned in frustration, thumb leaving his mouth to reach for the sound of Gibbs' voice his subconscious heard. "I can do better, Boss," he murmured, kicking off the sheet in a way that exposed his true frustration. "Please, gimme a chance. Not him, take me, I'm better'n McGee, I'm better, I'll do anything," he pleaded in his dream-talking. "Take me, please."
Legs spread, they lifted to bend at the knees and his back arched slightly off the bed, one hand pinching his own nipple and the other hand going low, going somewhere secret he never, never, never let a woman touch. Tony DiNozzo was a closet prostate-player, comfortable touching himself there when he was alone but not about to let anyone ever know he enjoyed such a thing.
Except in his dreams. Dreams were safe .... if they weren't being viewed by someone standing over the bed watching.
Gibbs blinked a few times, sighing and shaking his head. He couldn't let this continue. He crossed the room, grabbing a pair of boxers--his own or DiNozzo's, he didn't know or care. He lifted Tony's legs, removing the finger, slipping the boxers on, tucking that hard length in. It burned his hand but he couldn't...he couldn't deal with it right now.
Gibbs went into the bathroom, wetting a washcloth and bringing it back into the room, washing Tony's hand off. He snagged the T-shirt off the floor and hauled Tony to a sitting position, tugging it in. He had to comfort the younger man and wasn't gonna do it when DiNozzo was naked.
Gibbs began stroking Tony's hair. "Come on, Tony. It's okay...it's okay. I'm here. You don't need to beg for my attention. I'm here. McGee...isn't." Neither were Ducky, or Abbs, or Ziva, or any of the man friends they'd made, people they'd shared their lives with. It was the death of all they'd known and it cut deep.
"Dad?" Tony's eyes opened slightly, the strong sedative still flowing through him. "Hey Dad." He smiled lopsided in that drugged stupor. "I got an A today, wanna see?" There was a definite tone of pleading in his voice, of needing paternal recognition and approval, and it sounded almost younger than normal too, as if Tony was channeling himself from before the voice-changing deepening of puberty.
Gibbs blinked a few times and nodded. "Yeah...tell me all about it." He started to sink into the battered recliner he'd used to soothe Kelly to sleep--wincing at that memory, or lack of memory, or whatever the hell it was. Halfway there, he changed his mind and sat on the edge of the bed. "Tell me about your day, Tony." His hand buried itself in the younger man's hair but instead of ruffling it, he just stroked the silky strands from scalp to tip in soothing motions.
"Tell your old man all about it. So proud of you, son." Every time he said that. there was a little pang, as if he was being disloyal to Kelly even though he knew she'd understand and approve.
There is no Kelly, his mind screamed, but he refused to acknowledge that.
Tony didn't feel the slightest bit disloyal when he was honest with himself in accepting that he saw Gibbs as a father figure. He'd thought about it many times sitting at his desk at work. What he hadn't thought about was wanting Gibbs as a father .... in his bed. The poor addled man was going to be sickened if he remembered any of this later.
"You are?" Tony's smile was young and innocent, the most innocent one on his face Gibbs had probably ever seen. There was nothing mischievous, nothing calculating, nothing teasing about it. It was pure child of the heart. "Really? You never say that, Dad. You sure ya wanna hear? Always so busy. I don't wanna bother ya .... "
Of course he did, but feeling that any moment the rug would be pulled out from under him by his "father", he was being cautiously hopeful in finally getting the man's full attention.
"I am." Gibbs replied gently but firmly. "Not busy now. I want to know all about it. Will you tell me, Tony." The hope in Tony's eyes and his childlike smile caused so much emotion to roar up in Gibbs. he couldn't imagine how hurt Tony had been and hoped it was his father being distant rather than anything more sinister or hurtful.
He sat up the bed beside DiNozzo, giving him a gentle smile.
"Come on, Tony. You're never so quiet. What did you get an A in?"
"Home Ec," he said proudly, being young enough in his drug-induced delusion that getting an A in cooking and sewing was seen as perfectly fine by a "boy" who would someday grow into a man who would not see it so fine. "Miss Evans said I made the best pillow in the class! She's gonna teach us ta knit next week. I can learn how ta make ya socks, Dad! I'll do all kindsa colors, whatever ya want. You need socks, I'll knit'em!" He snuggled into Gibbs, his eyes droopy but his smile still very sweet. "And I met someone ..... " The voice deepened as Tony's subconscious continued to work through his demons and he suddenly aged. "I mean not met-met," he rushed to explain a bit too quickly, "I mean he's my supervisor at work. Used to be a Marine, walks with a rod up his ass and scares the shit outta me half the time, but he's incredible .... he's fucking incredible .... "
"Yeah?" Gibbs asked, surprised to find himself charmed. "Guy can always use some extra socks, Tony. You make 'em and I'll wear 'em." he continued working his fingers through Tony's hair, soothing them both as he moved his hands slowly and soothingly.
"Met an incredible guy, huh? Someone you can respect? Good, glad to hear it. Tell your old man how he's incredible, Tony. What do you admire about him?" Gibbs couldn't believe Tony admired him so much and he really wanted to know what it was about him that pulled Tony's attention and garnered his admiration.
The stricken man paused as he tried to come up with a single word to explain it. "Control. No matter what, he's always in control, doesn't sweat under fire, probably doesn't even have sweat glands," Tony giggled. "And he's really smart, can figure anything out, I think he knows I watch'm, that even though I sometimes give'm a hard time, he knows I really respect'm, that he's important to me and I don't mean anything by it when I'm screwing around at work. I ... I just want'm to like me, Dad. I wanna be his favorite ... I ... I .... " Tony's face began to crack, just like his voice. "I want'm to give me what you never did!"
He shoved himself away from his "father" and burrowed under the blankets, hiding himself as long-suffered tears began to fall again over an issue that the slowly waking mind of Tony knew could never be fully resolved, only alleviated, and only if Gibbs felt the same way in return.
Gibbs shifted with Tony, stroking his hair and rubbing his back. "I'm sorry for everything I did, Tony. I'm sorry for not valuing you like I should have. I'm sorry for not telling you what an amazing and intelligent and talented son you are. It is my problem, not yours. Never yours." He sighed heavily. His father hadn't been a prize but their problems had started when Gibbs was an adult. What had happened to Tony had started when he was very young and had left a much deeper impression on DiNozzo.
"Shhh," he whispered, trying to soothe Tony, wishing he could heal him.
"It's okay, Dad," Tony mumbled under those blankets, but he hugged his teary face into the man's thigh, holding tightly after having pushed him away. "You were always so busy ...... It's okay ... because I love you ... Gibbs."
"Ah, Tony," he whispered. He wasn't sure who Tony was talking to--his father or Gibbs himself--but he appreciated the sentiment. He shifted around slightly, lifting Tony's head off his thigh and pressing it lightly against his chest instead. "You're fine, Tony. You're a damn good son. A damn good agent."
"I'm an agent, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo ... I'm an agent, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo ...." His voice started to rise as his eyes snapped wide open. "I'M AN AGENT! SPECIAL AGENT ANTHONY DINOZZO!"
"SETTLE DOWN, DINOZZO!" Gibbs roared, hoping to get through to him. "Shhh...it's okay, Tony. You're safe and you're okay. It's Gibbs....remember. I said I wouldn't leave and I'm here."
"Like hell you won't," Tony snarled, jumping off the bed to pace the room in a pair of Gibbs' shorts. "We've fallen into one really fucked up rabbit hole this time, Gibbs. We've fallen so far Jules Verne couldn't find us and I know you. I know you're gonna run off to find your family, to see if they're alive too in this insane amusement park PeeWee dropped us into, and where's that gonna leave me? You SHOULD find your family, but I sure as hell can't stick around if you do." ..... because I just might have to kill myself if I see you with her, he thought to himself.
Gibbs moved closer and bear hugged Tony for the second time today. It was exhausting trying to follow Tony's moods and Gibbs hadn't even dealt with what was happening, not deep down dealing with it.
"Tony, you saw what I did. Do you really think they're out there?" Later, when Tony was sleeping, Gibbs would watch every goddamn DVD and see if he could see Shannon and Kelly. Maybe even Jackson, he'd miss his old man too.
"You're not losing me, Tony. They don't exist." It hit him then almost as a physical blow. "They don't fucking EXIST, Tony! Okay? Okay? Ya got it?" He released Tony finally and sat in the recliner, elbows on knees, head in hands. "They don't exist, Tony. I was never a father...a husband. Never was...anything."
It sobered the sudden explosive anger in the other man to see Gibbs so shaken. He shouldn't have lashed out at him, but lashing out at Gibbs had come far too easy when Gibbs was the only person he could trust to take it. Now he regretted it.
"They could be out there," he said, lifting a hand to rub behind his neck in frustration. "They didn't exist .... I'm sorry, Boss, but maybe .. maybe they do now .... and I don't wanna hold ya back from finding them. I can take care of myself, you know that. I'll be fine." Liar. He knew he'd fall apart, but he honestly wanted Gibbs to be happy, and Gibbs back with his wife and child would make the man happy, right? "Boss." Tony moved closer, squatting in front of the man but not quite daring to touch him as his hand hovered back and forth over that grayed head. "You might be able to be a father and husband again. Hell, maybe I'll see if Ziva is around," he said in a flash of impulsive inappropriateness.
"Stop it," Gibbs growled. He stood now, his fury giving him a purpose. "Never give anyone false hope. NEVER! D'ya hear me, DiNozzo? That's cruel." He'd never popped one of his men before but he came damn close when Tony mentioned Ziva. "You need to get yourself together, DiNozzo. Can't do it for you." Not like he had been. He came damn close to kicking Tony out, if he'd been sure Tony would be okay, he would have done just that.
"Get it through your head, DiNozzo. None of 'em exist. They're all gone. Dead. Disappeared. Figure out a way to come to terms with it." Because I don't have the strength to keep putting you back together again.
Gibbs knew it wasn't intentional but Tony's journey into little boyhood had cut Gibbs deep, reminding him of what he'd thought he'd had with Kelly. what was just another illusion and manipulation.
"I'm not trying to give ya false hope!" Tony shouted, jumping back up on his feet and lashing out with his foot into the side of the bed. "I AM together! I just had a nice little nap in my boss' bed," he sniped sarcastically, "and now I'm so fucking together I wanna kill someone!" Tony didn't have any memory of his drug-induced ravings. All he knew was that he was angry and energized now, everything pent up from that morning, and right or wrong it was coming out. "If you won't look for them I will!" He started putting on clothes, grabbing whatever was closest without really looking. He had to do something, anything, and if he couldn't kill PeeWee, he would find the wife and daughter of Gibbs and set things right for the man.
"If you go don't come back," Gibbs said quietly. What he wanted to say was, I'm damn close to losing it and if you go, I'm gonna be as self destructive as I can and damn the consequences. What he wanted to say was, I need someone too. Instead, Gibbs struck out the only way he knew how. "You called me "Dad'. You wanted to tell me about your "A" in Home Ec. You are so far from being all right, DiNozzo."
Gibbs gave Tony a very level look. "Ever think when you were falling apart that I might need someone too?"
Tony blinked. Then he shook his head and stared at the floor. "No," he said honestly, his voice in a near whisper. "You never need anyone. You never ..... I'm sorry, Boss. I just woke up so angry ... I just wanted to do something .... and finding them for you ... I want you to be happy again. I'm sorry." He risked a glance up at the man, flushing with embarrassment. "I called you Dad. But I am alright now. I feel a whole helluva lot better after that nap."
"They don't exist, Tony. Stop torturing me with it. Just....stop." Gibbs tried like hell to breathe normally. "And don't apologize," he said automatically, before stopping himself. "Shannon didn't exist," he said, speaking half to himself. "There was no code to live by, no rules, no goddamn never date a lumberjack. I can't have rules either." Gibbs ran a hand through his hair, speaking hoarsely, his voice distorted with emotion. "They didn't exist. I just lost 'em all over again. Don't twist the knife in any deeper, DiNozzo."
Did they really think that he never needed anyone? He threw up walls but he needed them. Why else would he put up with their antics? Why else would he value their loyalty over everything else? Why else did he deliver headslaps instead of pink slips?
"Wasn't a nap. They sedated ya," Gibbs finished quietly.
"Oh." Tony didn't know what else to say. How does one go about comforting the Great Gibbs? He'd wanted to help him by finding the man's family, and that had gone over so not well. "I ... I guess I should go then." He didn't want to go, but had he inadvertently pissed the man off so much that he was no longer wanted in his space? "I'm s ...." He bit it back, following the man's order not to apologize. "I won't fuckup like that again if I'm not around." Half dressed, his shirt on backwards, his pants unzipped, he opened the bedroom door and came face to face with Thomas. "You just keep turning up like a nasty little virus."
Just like everyone, he showed a little bit of human emotion, a little vulnerability, and the left. Three wives, Jenny, Hollis. "Yeah, go. Go, DiNozzo. When things get tough, you always run. Just like the rest of 'em," he finished in a whisper, shaking his head. He'd been down this road before, many a time. Had blamed himself, cursed weakness, but he was old enough and wise enough to know that being human wasn't weakness. It was the inability to deal with human emotions that made people weak. It was running that made people weak.
Tony was definitely a runner. All his life from his past, all his life from women. Now, confused and thinking Gibbs would be better off without him, he was ready to run again.
PeeWee at the door stopped him. When the man didn't say anything in reply to Tony, Tony slammed the door on his face and turned back to Gibbs. "Now what?" he said, crossing his arms over his chest. "You wanna hit me? Cuz I sure as hell wanna hit something."
"No. But you want to hit me and I want to feel physical pain so go for it, Tony." Gibbs stood now, hands up. He'd pretend to defend and let Tony get in whatever shots he had to. "Make it count, DiNozzo. Never gonna get another opportunity like this again."
When he didn't immediately strike out. Gibbs lobbed a verbal blow his way. "Bet ya ran when your daddy tried to get close. Bet that's why he has no time for you." Gibbs knew it would get a reaction, knew it would hurt. He reasoned that by saying what he did, he was giving Tony a free pass to get the pain out.
Tony couldn't believe what he was hearing. If he hadn't been convinced that he was awake, that it really was Gibbs standing in front of him, he would have started searching for pods again. The thing was, he wasn't just angry at the world right then, he was, deep down, angry with Gibbs. The man was like a god to him, and this is what happens to his biggest follower? They ended up as clones, as property in Bondage World, and the suddenly not so godly one couldn't fix it and put things back to normal. Tony was, deep down, feeling worshipper-let down.
"You bastard," he sneered and struck hard and fast. "I trusted you! I always had your six! Always!"
Gibbs stood there, letting Tony get his shots in, not saying a word, not defending himself. good part of him enjoyed the pain. "You had my six and I let you down," Gibbs replied quietly, no sign of malice in his voice. As Tony pummeled him, he struggled to remain upright, wobbling a little before he finally went down on one knee, staring at Tony all the while and not speaking again.
"No." Hearing Gibbs say it out loud was like the magic words. Tony, gasping from exertion, fell to both knees and threw his arms around the man. "No. Not your fault, Boss. Something outta your control. Something no one could control. Christ how could I hit you? I'm losing my mind." He held on tightly, this time not taking comfort but trying, as unfamiliar as it was for him, to give it. "I don't wanna lose your friendship too."
"Help me to bed, DiNozzo," Gibbs groaned. "Not losing anything. It's okay. Really." He slung an arm over Tony's shoulder, coughing a few times. "That was your free pass. Got it? Help me out here."
He'd be okay if he closed his eyes for a few minutes. Just had to get to the bed. "Worked me over good, DiNozzo."
"Well," he couldn't help but quip as he wrapped his arm around the man's waist and fell, exhausted too, into the bed with him, "there mighta been some pent up shit over Probie in there too." On his side, he looked down at the hurting man, using the pad of his finger to wipe a bit of blood away from the corner of those very kissable ..... Ohhhhhh no! Don't start thinking that shit again!
Gibbs coughed a couple more times, accepting the warmth from DiNozzo, resting his head against Tony's shoulder. "Meant what I said earlier. I'm proud of you. If that ass couldn't appreciate you, it is his loss. But remember, DiNozzo...not your enemy here. Damn good agent. Damn good man and hellofa right hook."
Gibbs would have never admitted it but it felt nice having someone have an arm tight around him. "Just stay here, DiNozzo...Just don't leave." Me, he added silently.
"I wouldn't have gone far," he confessed, chastised now. "I woulda been back begging in under five." His worried eyes lifted back to Gibbs' face. "You said .... don't come back ..... " The man gulped but didn't pull away, not physically or emotionally now that the two had finally reached a point they could both handle together. "Did you really mean it, Boss?"
He couldn't explain the complexities of his emotional journey, not that he would anyway. He wasn't that close with Tony. Not yet. But he knew he had to give Tony something. "I need you to stay." Unlike anyone else, he added silently.
He had a lot he wished he could say. That he needed someone to work all of this out with, that he needed a sounding board, a shoulder. But the leader couldn't show weakness and he'd showed far too much so far.
A smile lit up Tony's face and he came damn close to kissing the man, his lips lowering with sweet relieved joy but then realizing what he was doing and pulling back. Still smiling, though, not letting it get to him this time, he nodded and instead carefully hugged the man more. "I'm proud of me too .... because I learned everything from you."
"Oh for the love of God," Thomas groaned, entering the room with his hands on his hips. "Would you two just kiss and get it over with? It's getting late, I'm starved, I'm sure you two are starved, and I haven't got all day to stand around waiting to win this bet."
Gibbs had been damn close to doing just that and let out a frustrated sigh when Pee Wee came in. "So you let him work me over, but when you want to win your bet, you come in?" He tried to snort but instead coughed a couple more times. His ribs were bruised and aching, but he didn't think anything was broken. Same with his nose and the rest of his face. Just bruised, sore.
He ignored Pee Wee and nodded to Tony. "Got a lot to be proud of."
"I knew he wouldn't kill you, even if you rolled over on your back and bared your throat, DiNozzo isn't a real killer like you no matter how fucked in the head he is." Thomas rubbed his hands together and grinned. "So after all that venting, you two ready to kiss and make up?"
Tony looked only at Gibbs, wiping away another thin trickle of blood from the man's lips and this time automatically putting his finger in his mouth to clean it. Or taste it. Tony was no where near ready to make a distinction between the two. "We've made up, Boss, but you couldn't pay me enough to kiss you."
He gave Pee Wee an arrogant look, woofed, and leaned in, pecking Tony's mouth. Then he turned back to Pee Wee and woofed again. "Hey, Tony. Wanna play fetch? Pee Wee has a stick for us."
He motioned to the jackass' pants front, which was distended. "Looks more like a twig."
"I'll show you a fucking twig," Thomas snarled. "If you two don't kiss, REALLY kiss, you can forget all about that clone at the pound I know you want. He can take his chances just like every one of you has to in the real world."
"We kiss .... you win the bet?" Tony looked decidedly uncomfortable as he shifted on the bed, flushing as he wiped his mouth from where Gibbs had kissed him.
"Not quite," the full human admitted. "You need to let him split you like buttered bread, but if you let him kiss you I'll save that boy carrying your face."
Eyes narrowing, Tony made his own motion. "Come a little closer ... I'm gonna snap that twig and shove it up your sick twisted ass."
Thomas chose to focus on Gibbs. He knew that no matter what Tony said, it didn't matter. Gibbs was in charge. If there was going to be a kiss, a real kiss of the two men sharing their mouths in passion for him to watch, it was going to be up to Gibbs to convince Tony that it needed to be done .... for the sake of that poor clone ... of course!
(TBC)
*NOTE* This story is being co-written in roleplay back and forth format, not written for regular fan fic format, so if it reads a little odd in places, the authors really don't mind and hope any readers they may have don't much either. Thanks!
*NOTE2* Just to give something to visualize, the character of Thomas Hilton resembles actor Jeremy Piven.
*NOTE* This story is being co-written in roleplay back and forth format, not written for regular fan fic format, so if it reads a little odd in places, the authors really don't mind and hope any readers they may have don't much either. Thanks!
*NOTE2* Just to give something to visualize, the character of Thomas Hilton resembles actor Jeremy Piven.
Gibbs did a fireman's carry to get Tony up the stairs and onto the bed. He'd done this motion before. Shoes and jeans off, roll, pull down covers, roll back. He slid DiNozzo in on the opposite side from where he usually slept, not analyzing why he dropped Tony in here. "Sleep...you're safe. I'll be back soon." He mussed Tony's hair and then pounded down the stairs, needing some coffee. Pee Wee seemed to want to engage him in conversation so he'd take what intel he could get.
"Boss?" Tony whimpered, reaching out in his sleep for the other man. When he didn't find him, he made a low whining noise deep in his throat, turned onto his side while slipping out of his underwear and shirt, and when comfortably nude and in a fetal position under covers smelling like Gibbs, popped his thumb into his mouth. Like the head banging, Tony hadn't sucked his thumb since childhood, but unlike the head banging he'd kept that particular stress-alleviating habit up longer through early adolescence, right up until the time he'd needed braces to fix the overbite it had caused.
The table was set with two mugs of steaming coffee, Thomas sitting at one end of it. His men were in the living room only a shout away.
"Jethro, I don't expect you to forget anything, really. What I do expect is that you're a strong enough man to not let it weigh you down and keep you from being happy with DiNozzo. I expect you to process this big adjustment not just for your sake but for his, and not give me any trouble. I'm not only willing to allow him to live elsewhere, if he so chooses, but to find you both work on the Havensport Naval Base doing pretty much what you were doing before. I know the Admiral quite well. My sister is his ex-wife, and the Admiral is very aware of clones. Interested?"
Gibbs took the mug of coffee and sniffed it once before downing it in a few gulps. When he was done, he poured another and downed it then rinsed his cup in the sink. Only then did he sit opposite the man, posture perfectly erect, bearing one thousand percent military. "You have a lot of expectations," Gibbs remarked. "You've done this a lot, huh? How many people have been in this position? How many have you put here?" Again he spoke without heat, asking curious questions.
When Pee Wee mentioned that there was work on the base, Gibbs nodded. He couldn't speak for Tony but he needed to work, to put the dirtbags away, to feel like he was making a difference.
"Well you two are my first Weatherly and Harmon. I've been a bit of a Star Trek geek," he laughed easily at himself. "For many years I concentrated on having the crew made to my specifications and giving them their own Enterprise, though the monstrosity doesn't fly." He laughed again as he sipped his coffee. "Once I finished taking care of my Trek obsession I started watching other shows on television again, and I caught yours late in the series, had to download all the episodes I missed, and when I caught up I sat back and thought to myself .... damn, those men are perfect together, more than even the legend of Kirk and Spock!"
Upstairs, Tony began to dream, his long legs twitching in the bed as he ran from a dog with the face of Gibbs, Donald Sutherland screaming at him, and ball-less versions of himself sobbing at their lost manhood.
"This is just a game to you, isn't it? This is my life you turned upside down. His!" He jerked his thumb to the ceiling. "It's not a game, not some goddamned manipulation for your entertainment."
Gibbs shook his head, standing. "I'm not like Star Trek. I'm not like anyone you've ever dealt with before." He leaned on the table, going nose to nose with the man. "Remember that." With that said, he turned, going upstairs and closing his door. Tony was curled up in his king-sized bed, the dark sheet wrapped around him. He'd clearly stripped off his T-shirt,. he was clearly in distress.
"Hey, DiNozzo," Gibbs said quietly, hoping to wake Tony slowly and gently.
It brought him out of the nightmare and put him right into another. Abby had him in her lab, collared and leashed, making him do tricks for Gibbs. The more he tried to impress the man, the more he failed. Gibbs paid him little attention, had McGee on his lap and was playing with the younger man's hair, and Tony just couldn't stand being ignored.
He moaned in frustration, thumb leaving his mouth to reach for the sound of Gibbs' voice his subconscious heard. "I can do better, Boss," he murmured, kicking off the sheet in a way that exposed his true frustration. "Please, gimme a chance. Not him, take me, I'm better'n McGee, I'm better, I'll do anything," he pleaded in his dream-talking. "Take me, please."
Legs spread, they lifted to bend at the knees and his back arched slightly off the bed, one hand pinching his own nipple and the other hand going low, going somewhere secret he never, never, never let a woman touch. Tony DiNozzo was a closet prostate-player, comfortable touching himself there when he was alone but not about to let anyone ever know he enjoyed such a thing.
Except in his dreams. Dreams were safe .... if they weren't being viewed by someone standing over the bed watching.
Gibbs blinked a few times, sighing and shaking his head. He couldn't let this continue. He crossed the room, grabbing a pair of boxers--his own or DiNozzo's, he didn't know or care. He lifted Tony's legs, removing the finger, slipping the boxers on, tucking that hard length in. It burned his hand but he couldn't...he couldn't deal with it right now.
Gibbs went into the bathroom, wetting a washcloth and bringing it back into the room, washing Tony's hand off. He snagged the T-shirt off the floor and hauled Tony to a sitting position, tugging it in. He had to comfort the younger man and wasn't gonna do it when DiNozzo was naked.
Gibbs began stroking Tony's hair. "Come on, Tony. It's okay...it's okay. I'm here. You don't need to beg for my attention. I'm here. McGee...isn't." Neither were Ducky, or Abbs, or Ziva, or any of the man friends they'd made, people they'd shared their lives with. It was the death of all they'd known and it cut deep.
"Dad?" Tony's eyes opened slightly, the strong sedative still flowing through him. "Hey Dad." He smiled lopsided in that drugged stupor. "I got an A today, wanna see?" There was a definite tone of pleading in his voice, of needing paternal recognition and approval, and it sounded almost younger than normal too, as if Tony was channeling himself from before the voice-changing deepening of puberty.
Gibbs blinked a few times and nodded. "Yeah...tell me all about it." He started to sink into the battered recliner he'd used to soothe Kelly to sleep--wincing at that memory, or lack of memory, or whatever the hell it was. Halfway there, he changed his mind and sat on the edge of the bed. "Tell me about your day, Tony." His hand buried itself in the younger man's hair but instead of ruffling it, he just stroked the silky strands from scalp to tip in soothing motions.
"Tell your old man all about it. So proud of you, son." Every time he said that. there was a little pang, as if he was being disloyal to Kelly even though he knew she'd understand and approve.
There is no Kelly, his mind screamed, but he refused to acknowledge that.
Tony didn't feel the slightest bit disloyal when he was honest with himself in accepting that he saw Gibbs as a father figure. He'd thought about it many times sitting at his desk at work. What he hadn't thought about was wanting Gibbs as a father .... in his bed. The poor addled man was going to be sickened if he remembered any of this later.
"You are?" Tony's smile was young and innocent, the most innocent one on his face Gibbs had probably ever seen. There was nothing mischievous, nothing calculating, nothing teasing about it. It was pure child of the heart. "Really? You never say that, Dad. You sure ya wanna hear? Always so busy. I don't wanna bother ya .... "
Of course he did, but feeling that any moment the rug would be pulled out from under him by his "father", he was being cautiously hopeful in finally getting the man's full attention.
"I am." Gibbs replied gently but firmly. "Not busy now. I want to know all about it. Will you tell me, Tony." The hope in Tony's eyes and his childlike smile caused so much emotion to roar up in Gibbs. he couldn't imagine how hurt Tony had been and hoped it was his father being distant rather than anything more sinister or hurtful.
He sat up the bed beside DiNozzo, giving him a gentle smile.
"Come on, Tony. You're never so quiet. What did you get an A in?"
"Home Ec," he said proudly, being young enough in his drug-induced delusion that getting an A in cooking and sewing was seen as perfectly fine by a "boy" who would someday grow into a man who would not see it so fine. "Miss Evans said I made the best pillow in the class! She's gonna teach us ta knit next week. I can learn how ta make ya socks, Dad! I'll do all kindsa colors, whatever ya want. You need socks, I'll knit'em!" He snuggled into Gibbs, his eyes droopy but his smile still very sweet. "And I met someone ..... " The voice deepened as Tony's subconscious continued to work through his demons and he suddenly aged. "I mean not met-met," he rushed to explain a bit too quickly, "I mean he's my supervisor at work. Used to be a Marine, walks with a rod up his ass and scares the shit outta me half the time, but he's incredible .... he's fucking incredible .... "
"Yeah?" Gibbs asked, surprised to find himself charmed. "Guy can always use some extra socks, Tony. You make 'em and I'll wear 'em." he continued working his fingers through Tony's hair, soothing them both as he moved his hands slowly and soothingly.
"Met an incredible guy, huh? Someone you can respect? Good, glad to hear it. Tell your old man how he's incredible, Tony. What do you admire about him?" Gibbs couldn't believe Tony admired him so much and he really wanted to know what it was about him that pulled Tony's attention and garnered his admiration.
The stricken man paused as he tried to come up with a single word to explain it. "Control. No matter what, he's always in control, doesn't sweat under fire, probably doesn't even have sweat glands," Tony giggled. "And he's really smart, can figure anything out, I think he knows I watch'm, that even though I sometimes give'm a hard time, he knows I really respect'm, that he's important to me and I don't mean anything by it when I'm screwing around at work. I ... I just want'm to like me, Dad. I wanna be his favorite ... I ... I .... " Tony's face began to crack, just like his voice. "I want'm to give me what you never did!"
He shoved himself away from his "father" and burrowed under the blankets, hiding himself as long-suffered tears began to fall again over an issue that the slowly waking mind of Tony knew could never be fully resolved, only alleviated, and only if Gibbs felt the same way in return.
Gibbs shifted with Tony, stroking his hair and rubbing his back. "I'm sorry for everything I did, Tony. I'm sorry for not valuing you like I should have. I'm sorry for not telling you what an amazing and intelligent and talented son you are. It is my problem, not yours. Never yours." He sighed heavily. His father hadn't been a prize but their problems had started when Gibbs was an adult. What had happened to Tony had started when he was very young and had left a much deeper impression on DiNozzo.
"Shhh," he whispered, trying to soothe Tony, wishing he could heal him.
"It's okay, Dad," Tony mumbled under those blankets, but he hugged his teary face into the man's thigh, holding tightly after having pushed him away. "You were always so busy ...... It's okay ... because I love you ... Gibbs."
"Ah, Tony," he whispered. He wasn't sure who Tony was talking to--his father or Gibbs himself--but he appreciated the sentiment. He shifted around slightly, lifting Tony's head off his thigh and pressing it lightly against his chest instead. "You're fine, Tony. You're a damn good son. A damn good agent."
"I'm an agent, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo ... I'm an agent, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo ...." His voice started to rise as his eyes snapped wide open. "I'M AN AGENT! SPECIAL AGENT ANTHONY DINOZZO!"
"SETTLE DOWN, DINOZZO!" Gibbs roared, hoping to get through to him. "Shhh...it's okay, Tony. You're safe and you're okay. It's Gibbs....remember. I said I wouldn't leave and I'm here."
"Like hell you won't," Tony snarled, jumping off the bed to pace the room in a pair of Gibbs' shorts. "We've fallen into one really fucked up rabbit hole this time, Gibbs. We've fallen so far Jules Verne couldn't find us and I know you. I know you're gonna run off to find your family, to see if they're alive too in this insane amusement park PeeWee dropped us into, and where's that gonna leave me? You SHOULD find your family, but I sure as hell can't stick around if you do." ..... because I just might have to kill myself if I see you with her, he thought to himself.
Gibbs moved closer and bear hugged Tony for the second time today. It was exhausting trying to follow Tony's moods and Gibbs hadn't even dealt with what was happening, not deep down dealing with it.
"Tony, you saw what I did. Do you really think they're out there?" Later, when Tony was sleeping, Gibbs would watch every goddamn DVD and see if he could see Shannon and Kelly. Maybe even Jackson, he'd miss his old man too.
"You're not losing me, Tony. They don't exist." It hit him then almost as a physical blow. "They don't fucking EXIST, Tony! Okay? Okay? Ya got it?" He released Tony finally and sat in the recliner, elbows on knees, head in hands. "They don't exist, Tony. I was never a father...a husband. Never was...anything."
It sobered the sudden explosive anger in the other man to see Gibbs so shaken. He shouldn't have lashed out at him, but lashing out at Gibbs had come far too easy when Gibbs was the only person he could trust to take it. Now he regretted it.
"They could be out there," he said, lifting a hand to rub behind his neck in frustration. "They didn't exist .... I'm sorry, Boss, but maybe .. maybe they do now .... and I don't wanna hold ya back from finding them. I can take care of myself, you know that. I'll be fine." Liar. He knew he'd fall apart, but he honestly wanted Gibbs to be happy, and Gibbs back with his wife and child would make the man happy, right? "Boss." Tony moved closer, squatting in front of the man but not quite daring to touch him as his hand hovered back and forth over that grayed head. "You might be able to be a father and husband again. Hell, maybe I'll see if Ziva is around," he said in a flash of impulsive inappropriateness.
"Stop it," Gibbs growled. He stood now, his fury giving him a purpose. "Never give anyone false hope. NEVER! D'ya hear me, DiNozzo? That's cruel." He'd never popped one of his men before but he came damn close when Tony mentioned Ziva. "You need to get yourself together, DiNozzo. Can't do it for you." Not like he had been. He came damn close to kicking Tony out, if he'd been sure Tony would be okay, he would have done just that.
"Get it through your head, DiNozzo. None of 'em exist. They're all gone. Dead. Disappeared. Figure out a way to come to terms with it." Because I don't have the strength to keep putting you back together again.
Gibbs knew it wasn't intentional but Tony's journey into little boyhood had cut Gibbs deep, reminding him of what he'd thought he'd had with Kelly. what was just another illusion and manipulation.
"I'm not trying to give ya false hope!" Tony shouted, jumping back up on his feet and lashing out with his foot into the side of the bed. "I AM together! I just had a nice little nap in my boss' bed," he sniped sarcastically, "and now I'm so fucking together I wanna kill someone!" Tony didn't have any memory of his drug-induced ravings. All he knew was that he was angry and energized now, everything pent up from that morning, and right or wrong it was coming out. "If you won't look for them I will!" He started putting on clothes, grabbing whatever was closest without really looking. He had to do something, anything, and if he couldn't kill PeeWee, he would find the wife and daughter of Gibbs and set things right for the man.
"If you go don't come back," Gibbs said quietly. What he wanted to say was, I'm damn close to losing it and if you go, I'm gonna be as self destructive as I can and damn the consequences. What he wanted to say was, I need someone too. Instead, Gibbs struck out the only way he knew how. "You called me "Dad'. You wanted to tell me about your "A" in Home Ec. You are so far from being all right, DiNozzo."
Gibbs gave Tony a very level look. "Ever think when you were falling apart that I might need someone too?"
Tony blinked. Then he shook his head and stared at the floor. "No," he said honestly, his voice in a near whisper. "You never need anyone. You never ..... I'm sorry, Boss. I just woke up so angry ... I just wanted to do something .... and finding them for you ... I want you to be happy again. I'm sorry." He risked a glance up at the man, flushing with embarrassment. "I called you Dad. But I am alright now. I feel a whole helluva lot better after that nap."
"They don't exist, Tony. Stop torturing me with it. Just....stop." Gibbs tried like hell to breathe normally. "And don't apologize," he said automatically, before stopping himself. "Shannon didn't exist," he said, speaking half to himself. "There was no code to live by, no rules, no goddamn never date a lumberjack. I can't have rules either." Gibbs ran a hand through his hair, speaking hoarsely, his voice distorted with emotion. "They didn't exist. I just lost 'em all over again. Don't twist the knife in any deeper, DiNozzo."
Did they really think that he never needed anyone? He threw up walls but he needed them. Why else would he put up with their antics? Why else would he value their loyalty over everything else? Why else did he deliver headslaps instead of pink slips?
"Wasn't a nap. They sedated ya," Gibbs finished quietly.
"Oh." Tony didn't know what else to say. How does one go about comforting the Great Gibbs? He'd wanted to help him by finding the man's family, and that had gone over so not well. "I ... I guess I should go then." He didn't want to go, but had he inadvertently pissed the man off so much that he was no longer wanted in his space? "I'm s ...." He bit it back, following the man's order not to apologize. "I won't fuckup like that again if I'm not around." Half dressed, his shirt on backwards, his pants unzipped, he opened the bedroom door and came face to face with Thomas. "You just keep turning up like a nasty little virus."
Just like everyone, he showed a little bit of human emotion, a little vulnerability, and the left. Three wives, Jenny, Hollis. "Yeah, go. Go, DiNozzo. When things get tough, you always run. Just like the rest of 'em," he finished in a whisper, shaking his head. He'd been down this road before, many a time. Had blamed himself, cursed weakness, but he was old enough and wise enough to know that being human wasn't weakness. It was the inability to deal with human emotions that made people weak. It was running that made people weak.
Tony was definitely a runner. All his life from his past, all his life from women. Now, confused and thinking Gibbs would be better off without him, he was ready to run again.
PeeWee at the door stopped him. When the man didn't say anything in reply to Tony, Tony slammed the door on his face and turned back to Gibbs. "Now what?" he said, crossing his arms over his chest. "You wanna hit me? Cuz I sure as hell wanna hit something."
"No. But you want to hit me and I want to feel physical pain so go for it, Tony." Gibbs stood now, hands up. He'd pretend to defend and let Tony get in whatever shots he had to. "Make it count, DiNozzo. Never gonna get another opportunity like this again."
When he didn't immediately strike out. Gibbs lobbed a verbal blow his way. "Bet ya ran when your daddy tried to get close. Bet that's why he has no time for you." Gibbs knew it would get a reaction, knew it would hurt. He reasoned that by saying what he did, he was giving Tony a free pass to get the pain out.
Tony couldn't believe what he was hearing. If he hadn't been convinced that he was awake, that it really was Gibbs standing in front of him, he would have started searching for pods again. The thing was, he wasn't just angry at the world right then, he was, deep down, angry with Gibbs. The man was like a god to him, and this is what happens to his biggest follower? They ended up as clones, as property in Bondage World, and the suddenly not so godly one couldn't fix it and put things back to normal. Tony was, deep down, feeling worshipper-let down.
"You bastard," he sneered and struck hard and fast. "I trusted you! I always had your six! Always!"
Gibbs stood there, letting Tony get his shots in, not saying a word, not defending himself. good part of him enjoyed the pain. "You had my six and I let you down," Gibbs replied quietly, no sign of malice in his voice. As Tony pummeled him, he struggled to remain upright, wobbling a little before he finally went down on one knee, staring at Tony all the while and not speaking again.
"No." Hearing Gibbs say it out loud was like the magic words. Tony, gasping from exertion, fell to both knees and threw his arms around the man. "No. Not your fault, Boss. Something outta your control. Something no one could control. Christ how could I hit you? I'm losing my mind." He held on tightly, this time not taking comfort but trying, as unfamiliar as it was for him, to give it. "I don't wanna lose your friendship too."
"Help me to bed, DiNozzo," Gibbs groaned. "Not losing anything. It's okay. Really." He slung an arm over Tony's shoulder, coughing a few times. "That was your free pass. Got it? Help me out here."
He'd be okay if he closed his eyes for a few minutes. Just had to get to the bed. "Worked me over good, DiNozzo."
"Well," he couldn't help but quip as he wrapped his arm around the man's waist and fell, exhausted too, into the bed with him, "there mighta been some pent up shit over Probie in there too." On his side, he looked down at the hurting man, using the pad of his finger to wipe a bit of blood away from the corner of those very kissable ..... Ohhhhhh no! Don't start thinking that shit again!
Gibbs coughed a couple more times, accepting the warmth from DiNozzo, resting his head against Tony's shoulder. "Meant what I said earlier. I'm proud of you. If that ass couldn't appreciate you, it is his loss. But remember, DiNozzo...not your enemy here. Damn good agent. Damn good man and hellofa right hook."
Gibbs would have never admitted it but it felt nice having someone have an arm tight around him. "Just stay here, DiNozzo...Just don't leave." Me, he added silently.
"I wouldn't have gone far," he confessed, chastised now. "I woulda been back begging in under five." His worried eyes lifted back to Gibbs' face. "You said .... don't come back ..... " The man gulped but didn't pull away, not physically or emotionally now that the two had finally reached a point they could both handle together. "Did you really mean it, Boss?"
He couldn't explain the complexities of his emotional journey, not that he would anyway. He wasn't that close with Tony. Not yet. But he knew he had to give Tony something. "I need you to stay." Unlike anyone else, he added silently.
He had a lot he wished he could say. That he needed someone to work all of this out with, that he needed a sounding board, a shoulder. But the leader couldn't show weakness and he'd showed far too much so far.
A smile lit up Tony's face and he came damn close to kissing the man, his lips lowering with sweet relieved joy but then realizing what he was doing and pulling back. Still smiling, though, not letting it get to him this time, he nodded and instead carefully hugged the man more. "I'm proud of me too .... because I learned everything from you."
"Oh for the love of God," Thomas groaned, entering the room with his hands on his hips. "Would you two just kiss and get it over with? It's getting late, I'm starved, I'm sure you two are starved, and I haven't got all day to stand around waiting to win this bet."
Gibbs had been damn close to doing just that and let out a frustrated sigh when Pee Wee came in. "So you let him work me over, but when you want to win your bet, you come in?" He tried to snort but instead coughed a couple more times. His ribs were bruised and aching, but he didn't think anything was broken. Same with his nose and the rest of his face. Just bruised, sore.
He ignored Pee Wee and nodded to Tony. "Got a lot to be proud of."
"I knew he wouldn't kill you, even if you rolled over on your back and bared your throat, DiNozzo isn't a real killer like you no matter how fucked in the head he is." Thomas rubbed his hands together and grinned. "So after all that venting, you two ready to kiss and make up?"
Tony looked only at Gibbs, wiping away another thin trickle of blood from the man's lips and this time automatically putting his finger in his mouth to clean it. Or taste it. Tony was no where near ready to make a distinction between the two. "We've made up, Boss, but you couldn't pay me enough to kiss you."
He gave Pee Wee an arrogant look, woofed, and leaned in, pecking Tony's mouth. Then he turned back to Pee Wee and woofed again. "Hey, Tony. Wanna play fetch? Pee Wee has a stick for us."
He motioned to the jackass' pants front, which was distended. "Looks more like a twig."
"I'll show you a fucking twig," Thomas snarled. "If you two don't kiss, REALLY kiss, you can forget all about that clone at the pound I know you want. He can take his chances just like every one of you has to in the real world."
"We kiss .... you win the bet?" Tony looked decidedly uncomfortable as he shifted on the bed, flushing as he wiped his mouth from where Gibbs had kissed him.
"Not quite," the full human admitted. "You need to let him split you like buttered bread, but if you let him kiss you I'll save that boy carrying your face."
Eyes narrowing, Tony made his own motion. "Come a little closer ... I'm gonna snap that twig and shove it up your sick twisted ass."
Thomas chose to focus on Gibbs. He knew that no matter what Tony said, it didn't matter. Gibbs was in charge. If there was going to be a kiss, a real kiss of the two men sharing their mouths in passion for him to watch, it was going to be up to Gibbs to convince Tony that it needed to be done .... for the sake of that poor clone ... of course!
(TBC)